Another destiny

This morning I received a phone call that I knew was coming but was shocked to get none the less. The oldest friend I have in the world had lost her battle with cancer and had started another journey.

The worst part wasn’t talking with her husband, another very old friend. No the worst part is to say the words out loud “my oldest friend is dead” As if saying it makes it more real.

I have no idea how I will live without her. We didn’t spend lots of time together. I have been way to busy to be able to spend the time I would have liked to. To be fair, I think Debbie was very private and this was the way she wanted to wage this war.

It is a war. Her mother gave up, or so Debbie thought, so when she found out about the cancer she was determined to keep fighting. And that is exactly what she did, with grace, poise, courage and strength.

I know in my mind that it is selfish to want her to stay on this path with me, despite her pain. My heart just has to feel this sadness, this loss and this emptiness. Eventually, my heart will catch up to my mind, and I will take on Debbie’s fight against cancer.

I fight it differently, but I am just as determined. She has been healed, just not in the way that we asked God for. That is a blessing.

Finally Mum came at the end of March. We had a great visit. Then 2 days before she was to go home….she fell while I was asleep.

I took her to where I work (emergency at ARH) for xrays and sure as sugar, she had broken her arm.
Specifically it is called a Colles Fracture. She was sedated and the bone reset. She now requires more than the care offered at Sunridge Place, the complex care facility that she “lives” in.

So Mum is staying for at least another two weeks. As I sit with her on the couch, watching old tv and movies from my childhood, eating the same treats we did back then, I am struck by a bittersweet feeling of clarity.

My mother has been her own worst enemy for most of my adult life, not to mention my childhood. Now the dementia that claims her memory in the short term has given the gift of sweetness to her attitude and to our time together. Whatever financial problems I have, whatever other things that I must take care of, I am constantly aware of the time that is left to her, and to us, the ones she gave everything up to take care of.

I know that these memories must last me for my lifetime and perhaps my children’s too. I concentrate on making them good ones.

I am Catherine Fielding’s daughter and thought that I should share the events of January 2011 as they relate to my mother and her healthcare.

On January 6th, 2011, I received a phone call from Laura Griffin at Sunridge informing me that Mum was being transferred to the local Hospital (CDH) by ambulance. This was because of a fall – unwitnessed again- and that there was a strong possibility that she had broken her hip. This was done by voice mail. When I immediately tried to contact Sunridge I could not contact anyone by telephone and eventually phoned the hospital and reached a nurse caring for my mother in emergency.

I was assisted by the nurse and contacted by the surgeon after the consultation. My mother had surgery on the 7th to repair the hip and I arrived that day. Since I have power of attorney, I stayed for 3-4 days to discuss the situation with Mum’s GP, Dr. Murray Woods, and the physiotherapist assistant at CDH. I was given to understand that Dr. Woods was going to advocate for Mum to receive physiotherapy post surgery in order to establish effective movement techniques. My mother is very mobile for her age, but because she has dementia any patterns take time to establish themselves.

I was given to understand that Dr. Woods would be advocating for a bed in the Transitional Care Unit for the rehabilitation portion of Mum’s recovery. I left for my home in Abbotsford in order to return to work on Monday evening. I was informed by Dr. Woods that my mother was discharged early Tuesday morning by the surgeon prior to his visit. I was given information and contact details for a physiotherapist that would come to Sunridge for rehabilitation.

Upon my mother’s return, Laura Griffin, who reportedly has a “background” in physiotherapy, assessed my mother and insisted that the staff use a lift for transfers and that Mum use a wheelchair during the day. I found this very difficult to accept because the rationale behind my mother’s early discharge was her level of mobility after surgery. I engaged a physiotherapist that Dr. Woods recommended that my mother pays for personally.

My issues with regards to these events are:

1. The relationship between the number of unwitnessed falls in Sunridge place and the decrease in staffing levels. Each bed privately paid for costs $6,600.00 per month, and after all staff costs money.
2. The lack of rehabilitation beds available to people like my mother due to the 11 beds being taken by people waiting for placement. I was assured in 2008 when Mum moved that the Cowichan Lodge did NOT need to be replaced because Sunridge has enough beds for everyone….obviously someone seriously miscalculated.
3. The effect of that lack of rehabilitation, the lack of rehabilitation offered by Sunridge and the lack of advocacy on my mother’s behalf. 12 hours a week divided by 160 residents staffed by an occupational therapist and 2 physiotherapist aids…..REALLY?
4. The very fact that Mum has paid taxes for all of her working life, that my father paid them before her, and that my brother and I currently pay them and still a physiotherapist must be hired PRIVATELY.

I can’t pretend that I am ignorant of some of the “reasons” (excuses) for this situation. I currently work in healthcare and have worked in rehabilitation and homecare….I even hold a current license for the work that I do. I just don’t think that this is good enough. Not for anyone, least of all my mother.

More than debt, surprisingly, I am concerned about my relationships with family and friends. What do I need to change, what do I wait for, and for how long.

I start 2011 with the goal of being able to start school full-time in 2012, which means clearing debt, paying bills on time, and finishing the pre requisites. It occurred to me that my youngest child will probably start university or college the same year. I am trying to find a way for both to happen.

However, for tonight, I will just focus on Tomorrow and what I control then. Happy New Year everyone.

He is now clean and sober for 64 days and counting. I am incredibly proud of him for taking that step to look after himself. I have my brother back.

At the same time, I have lost my youngest child. She is 16 and 1/2, and this is the first year that I haven’t heard from her leading up to or at Christmas. She didn’t get in touch with her cousin when she was here, and my ex-husband is concerned that she may be showing signs of bi-polar disorder.

While I do think that she may need to work out some of the damage her parents have done to her, I don’t know if you could label that as bi-polar. However, I am struck once again by how little I know of her life. Of her. I know what she does, to some extent, and if she does well, but I don’t know her. I am bereft.

This was the child that I waited and waited for. The one that I had to leave to work, and take care of the family that we became when she was born. I will never know her as I know her sister and I can never change that.

So now I prepare to go to work again, and wait to see if she comes for dinner on the day set aside for our family gathering, really though I am waiting to see if she wants me to be a part of her life…and if so, how much.

What I have realized is that being in this position, back against the wall, is that it teaches me something about myself. I don’t like that part of myself very much and I am unsure about how much of it I can change.

I have never thought of myself as prejudiced…I am not sure that that is the label I should use…but at work, a certain kind of patient came in complaining of abdominal pain, bloodshot eyes, very poor english, what little english there was sounded rude and demanding and all on a night where there had been a lot of demands from a lot of people.

I made some assumptions about the root of this person’s illness. I may not have been completely wrong, but my actions were.

I responded by testing for drugs and alcohol, not necessarily unreasonable…but prejudicial, and I responded verbally by being abrupt and almost rude back.

I realize that this person has different expectations that I do, that his experiences are different and that I have a responsibility to educate rather than respond from the gut….

Under pressure, and at work there is all kinds of it, that takes more discipline than I have sometimes. I keep working on it, but somehow I never really arrive. Just when I think I have got the hang of it, someone else pushes another button, I didn’t know I had and BING….the gut takes over.

Once again, I am humbled by how far I have to go in this world, and how the journey never ends.

My friend has been though 8 rounds of chemotherapy and apparently that is the maximum allowed for women with breast cancer, metasized or not. Men with prostate cancer get 10 rounds and some how I am upset by this.

To begin with, I work in an emergency department that has to treat patients within certain time allotments inorder to get more funding. Pay for Performance is what the government calls it.

Changing the methods of dealing with patients inorder to make these “deadlines” is causing an inordinate amount of stress of everyone. This makes the working environment very toxic.

I am already upset about the conditions under which our performance is measured, when the government’s performance does not seem to matter to anyone that votes. I am now, quite frankly livid at the thought that my oldest and dearest friend, who is healthy enough and willing enough to continue this horrible fight and our government policies and hospital protocols are hamstringing her.

I know what she faces, so does she, and I think if she is willing and able to fight again, then the government that serves her, and the healthcare system that she has paid into should enable her…not hinder her fight.

After everything I see in an emergency ward, to have this happen to someone I love that much is just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I am just plain sick and tired of pissing into the wind.

I am concerned that it will ruin the friendship. I am worried that I will start feeling imposed upon and/or that we will spend too much time in such close proximity and that we no longer be able to stand each other.

I don’t even really want to mention the possibility because I don’t want her to feel bad, and I don’t want to change my mind and then have to tell her that. How do we decide what to do? How much am I my sister’s keeper?

When in doubt don’t… or at least wait until you are sure, I think.

So it begs the question…what is so different this year? 

I think I am.

I think that I am coming to terms with what I think is okay for me and what is not.  I want certain things from my relationships, my life, and I am quickly becoming disenchanted with some aspects of these areas of my life.

I want a relationship in my life that makes me feel safe, cared for, cherished, and doesn’t leave me waiting for the betrayal that I think is coming.  I am not sure that I don’t have that now, I just don’t feel it.  Does that mean that the antidepressants aren’t working?  Do I have to start taking another one, that causes sexual dysfunction? 

I want sex now, but I spend so much time waiting for him to “find” someone he continues to look for on the net that I don’t want him.  I have started to find fault.  Just that one issue is starting to poision how I feel about this man.  I think that it is because I have told him how I feel about the behaviour and he has continued to do it.  That tells me in BIG letters that how I feel about his behaviour is not that important to him.

He has called me on the “no sex” thing, and I have explained it to him.  This is how I have to deal with it because I can’t run away from him any more.  I live here and so does he.

So we remain in limbo.